Personal History Newsletter, No. 1 (May 2003)
The Dawn of My Personal History, Primitive
Times:
I believe that as an individual human being
I have traced human history by re-living each historical stage while I was
growing up in Japan, traveling in Asia and in Europe and settling in the
U.S. Whenever, whatever, wherever, and however I was doing, I kept my
journal along the way. My writing habits were formed when I was a little
girl in Japan and now I have more than one hundred notebooks with handwritten
daily records in my closet.
What is the human history? What are the developmental stages of human
history? I know I need to define these. Before I can answer these
questions, I would like to share my “Personal History of the Mankind” with you.
If you are motivated to write your own, even from a different angle, that will
be great. Even if you decide not to write your story this time, I hope mine is
at least entertaining and thought provoking.
Just as history books are rewritten in light of new findings or
perspectives, I would like to gather my journals and see if I can edit or
rewrite them, if necessary. Most of my journals were written in Japanese, and
when I translate them into English I will be doing some sort of editing and
rewriting of the original, naturally. The only thing I cannot change is the
foundation and philosophy of a person who has re-lived the history of mankind.
I would like to recapture my personal history simply and categorically, from
the pre-historic stage, through the classical ancient times, medieval ages,
renaissance, pre-modern stages, and finally to the present times. So, the first
chapter will consist of 6 sections. If someone courageously sends his or her
story, the first chapter may be longer than we expect it to be.
The second chapter will be defining the human history with clearer concepts.
Hopefully we have more stories of yours to share while doing the second chapter
which will be abstract if it is done alone.
Below is the first section, the pre-historic stage of my personal history of
the mankind.
１
Pre-historic times
Prehistoric times predate my classical ancient period.
That was the dawn of my personal history. I remember
clearly about my tireless drawing, painting and
writing activities that took place far away and
a long time ago. The records might have been buried
under "volcanic ashes” and the only things remains with
me from those days are a few black & white photos.
Although the written records are gone, my memory of
that period is vivid. My sisters and I had a campfire
in the woods and baked sweet potatoes in the burning ashes.
I can still smell the smoldering potatoes.
Once a year we had a trip to the beach. The white waves
and sounds of the ocean still come back when
I close my eyes.
I always had more energy left to keep playing on
at the end of the day. Athletic meets were held
on clear autumn days, and white shirts and pants
would scatter across the schoolyard under the
clear blue sky.
“Ready, get set, go.”
I ran as fast as I possibly could.
My cheeks trembled.
I, along with the neighborhood children, endlessly
painted picture of the scenery near a river about
one mile away from home. Along this river was our
favorite spot to sit down and do the work.
The river disappeared into a point where distant
blue mountains merged. The river's deep blue,
and the bright blue of the sky mysteriously
connected in harmony at the distant merging
point of the mountains.
(Continued)
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Newsletter No. 2 (June, 2003)
My Classical Ancient Times
My classical ancient times were when I was much involved in pure intellectual
activities such as reading, writing and debating. I enjoyed school activities
as well participating district-wide spelling contests, and art competitions in
painting landscapes or factory workers in a near-by town.
It was the times when I was, in retrospect, quite productive and creative as a
human being. Healthy competitions were a norm of this period and I was not yet
very conscious of myself as being Japanese, female or of middle-class origin. I
was eager to learn, explore and inquire about everything that I encountered. My
surroundings were not only the material world but also vast mental, abstract
and intellectual spheres. I was trying hard to absorb all the knowledge and
information the history of mankind has created and left for me. There were no
national, racial or class boundaries.
Last time I briefly summarized my prehistoric years, for which I have no
written records remaining. This time I would like to start reviewing my
classical ancient times by looking at some written records that I still
have. My Mother safeguarded my journals while I was in college, moving
from one apartment to another. Then I decided to leave Japan and asked her to
keep the old journals as well as relatively new ones from college in her house
while I was traveling. She sent them to me when I settled in the U.S. back in
1975 and I felt as if
the journals had followed me along the way of my world travels.
I still have the old notebooks, more than one hundred of them, in the same box
as my mother shipped to me. The journals should reveal a detailed history of my
developmental stages; from my classical ancient times through my modern
age. The following is what I actually wrote in the Japanese language when
I was about twelve through fourteen and is a close translation of an excerpt of
it.
I will handle the philosophical aspect of each stage of my history in the
Chapter II in order to see the similarity between my developmental philosophy
and that of the human race and its civilization.
2. Middle School, Classical Ancient Times
I started writing my diary when I was around eight or nine, and to my regret I
have misplaced those earliest journals. I will keep my diary and securely store
it from now on so that I do not lose it. It will be very meaningful to read
when I grow up and it will also be interesting to leave some traces of my life
for the future. This is something that only human beings can do.
I am just like a bookworm now, going to the school library everyday. There are
not enough books to read at home and naturally the school library is the place
for me to go to and borrow books from. When I find many interesting books at
the library, I check out as many as five at a time and that can be everyday.
Mrs. Kumata, the librarian, treats me specially and lets me borrow even on days
not designated as library days. I wish my school could get more interesting
books for our library.
2.1 Daily Life
My daily life is repetitious day after day, going to school, helping around the
house, reading and leisure activities before going to bed. I should do more home
work such as reviewing and previewing school work, but the time is limited
since I spend long hours helping my parents with their chores. My parents are
expecting more help out of me around the house.
As a human being I need more leisure time. I listen to the radio for about two
hours a day. In the long run this is a big waste of time, but I feel an
emptiness if I don't listen to interesting radio programs. As a compromise
measure, I integrate some work with the leisure activities. While listening to
the radio, I chop carrots to help my big sister cook. Peeling potatoes can be
done easily, as well, while listening.
2.2 Books
Even if I should happen
To lose my friends,
I will not despair;
My true friends,
Who share my sadness
And share my happiness,
are the books I read
2.3 Friends
There is a little boy named Toshio in my class. One day he came up to me and
said, “You are the girls’ boss in our class.”
“What do you mean by boss?”
“That would be the one who is commanding.”
I did not want to waste my time talking to a little boy like this and tried to
leave. My friend, Sakiyama-san was standing next to me as usual.
“Who is the boys’ boss then?” She immediately questioned Toshio, who was
grinning. A boy named Ichiro, who was with Toshio, answered, “Toshio is, as you
know perfectly well.”
“Then why don’t you fight and show us who is stronger?” said Sakiyama-san with
a wide grin. I finally left them saying, “Go for it, but not by violence, but
by scholastic achievements.”
“Don’t be so arrogant,” Ichiro’s voice chased me.
My conclusion for the day was that boys were not very rational animals.
2.4 Thoughts
Why did I appear in this world? Is this world a mere dream?
I do not know.
Why do I know about a human being called myself more than I do others?
Why do people know themselves better than others?
Why do people care for themselves more than they do for others?
Why do people want themselves to appear good in front of others who are also
just humans?
What kind of human thinking or heart is causing this impulse of vanity?
I do not know what
this world is meant to be.
What kind of greed is our thinking bringing about?
When I first became conscious of myself, I was already in middle school.
I tried to look back on my past, but could not find anything prominent.
I felt somewhat lonesome.
I was born in Japan, a small but precious country. What have I been thinking in
the past 10 years or so? Why haven’t I looked at myself as a human being
in all those years?
I think that I am lucky, and feel happy and grateful to my parents who brought
me into this world. My parents are kind to me and I can return their favor
later when I grow up. How nice that would be! I wish my happy future would come
quickly. There may be many obstacles on the way to the realization of my happy
future, but the difficulties to overcome are also something I can enjoy along
the way. I will reach my future soon enough, with diligence; doing all
that I need to do with good efforts of mine.
2.5 Reflection and Lessons Learned
Sometimes I act without thinking very well. We had a science class the other
day and after the class, I was reading in the library, when Mr. Omiya, our
science teacher, came up to me and reminded me that it was time for me to go
home. The clock on the wall in the library showed three o’clock.
I saw my friend on my way home and she and I decided to visit our elementary
school to talk to the teachers about a class reunion. After talking to
Mrs. Hanawa, we decided to visit another friend in Kashakuma to further plan
the class reunion.
When it was time to return home, it was pitch dark. I ran like a crazy person
on the dark night road and tried to sneak into my house from the back kitchen
door. My father spied me at once and scolded me.
“Why are you so late? Your sister just left for the school to look for
you,” said my father in his sharpest voice. I listened to him quietly and
thought that I did not realize how seriously everyone in my family would worry
about me if I was gone. Immediately I rushed to the school. When I got there,
my sister was talking to Mr. Omiya who knew when I had left in the
afternoon. Mr. Hattori was phoning my parents and Mrs. Kumata was
standing next to him.
I apologized to everyone there for having made them worry about me by my silly
action, and my sister and I came back home as quickly as we could. My parents
scolded me again just to make sure that I would not do something like that
again. I appreciated their kind heart, and could not help but feel sad about my
action. I promised that I would not do it again.
When I do things without thinking, I should reflect upon myself deeply.
One day I climbed a tree thinking that it would be nice and comfortable to sit
and read a book up on a branch of the tree. As soon as I opened the book to
read up in that tree, I realized how uncomfortable it is to sit on a tree
branch. I immediately came down from the tree.
This event made me think. I should act only after thinking thoroughly from
different angles.
The reality can be harsh compared to just dreaming.
(Continued)
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Newsletter No.3 (July 2003)
My Medieval Times
The medieval times of my personal history were the
times I was avoiding to examine in detail, lazily painting the whole picture as
the dark ages of my history.
Now I am trying to do my best to review the dark ages to place them in
perspective. I identified about 10 notebooks for this period of my life from
the storage box in my dark basement. The early stage of my high school period
was an extension of my middle school days and was the beginnings of my Medieval
Times. I entered a formerly all-boys public high school, which had become co-ed
a few years prior to my entry to high school. I was triumphantly the top
student of the entering class by the entrance exam, reading a pledge as the
representative of the freshmen class at the entrance ceremony. The teachers,
the rest of the students and their families were watching. The feeling of
victory was there but I was destined to suffer from the prolonged battles of my
medieval war.
Reviewing the documents, I realize that my medieval times were rather active
and full of thought-provoking activities, although back then I felt the times
were stagnant and immobile. Traveling was rare and limited to visiting my
mother's childhood home to see grandparents or going on school excursions.
Although I remember a trip I made to a church in Mito-city by bus on a clear
autumn day and a long talk I had with a minister there, I cannot find any
writings on them. Not remembering any details of the talk with the minister, I
try to find something I wrote about it, but in vain. I remember I stayed
in a guest room at the church that night. I read through my notebooks around
this period again but cannot find anything to back up my clear memory. During my medieval times, I was
bothered by the idea of the Virgin Mary’s conception, so I probably wanted to
ask the minister about the scientific truth of the Immaculate Conception, but I
cannot verify this in my writings.
My journey to pursue the truth was stymied during this period because I lacked
freedom as a human being. Freedom was impossible during the "examination
hell" that many Japanese high school students have to go through as they
prepare for college. I was confined to a painfully familiar range of activities
as a medieval being.
The strange thing about my journals is that some important pages are clearly
missing, having been torn out and deleted completely. Some torn-out pages
are stapled together and inserted elsewhere in the notebooks. It is
strange. The attempt to revise history must have taken place already during
that time period, or perhaps later on when I was in college. Generally
though, the pages are fading but still intact.
A dear friend died when we were juniors in high school. He was my strongest
rival in the midst of our examination hell. He studied hard and did very well.
I was often afraid that he might take over the position I was in as the top of
the class. He was a quiet boy. The poem, "State of Mind,"
included below was my dedication to him when he passed away. I heard that
his pants and shirt were found neatly folded on the beach along with his books.
Apparently he was drowned while swimming in the ocean. I remember I went to his
funeral on a hot summer day as the class representative and prayed before his
tomb with burning incense.
Those were the days we were in the examination hell. I was pursuing stoicism in
order to meet the demand of workload in competing with other students for
higher scores in exams. Although I often recollected my earlier days of
middle school as good classical ancient times, I did not comprehend this period
in high school in clear historical perspective yet. My ten notebooks were full
of admonitions I imposed on myself to study hard. I had to wait until leaving
home and entering college to obtain certain freedom and to reach a
comprehensive awareness of this period of my developmental history.
This is my first attempt to present my medieval times. My editorial
methods may be different in the future if I decide to do it again. I could
publish all I have, but my 10 notebooks are packed with small writing, often
repetitious, and it would be overwhelming. I would like to pick certain
symbolic themes of these times and lay them out chronologically.
Diverging slightly from my original road map, I have to divide this period into
two stages, the beginnings of the Medieval Times and the waning period. The
next issue of my newsletter will handle the waning period of the medieval
times. I may read Hoizinga's "The Waning of the Middle Ages"
again along the way.
The following are selections from my journals of the period:
**********************************************************************************
“Happiness” (In high school, Age 16)
Happiness. Not knowing what kind of implications were embedded when this word,
happiness, was created, I think that it is natural for me to define the term on
a presupposition that happiness is something that human beings are to hold in
order to live more humanly, in accordance with the level of development of our
brains, because only humans can pursue happiness. Humans, with the ability to
think, possess reasoning skills unlike any other animal. Therefore, Happiness
is not something that comes from the simple satisfaction of basic needs that
all animals have equally.
Happiness is something only human beings can possess and perceive. Happiness
can be obtained by the denial of the selfish ego and by acting in accordance
with the rules of reason. It can be also said that human satisfactions can be
obtained in the Pursuit of Truth and Truth can be recognized and pursued by
acting by the rules of reason. Therefore, raising our consciousnesses as a
human being can take
place in the pursuit of Truth.
Happiness. I think the first step to the state of happiness is to recognize
that happiness as a human being takes place in the pursuit of Truth and to put
oneself in a situation to strive for it.
Happiness. The pursuit of happiness is not all that life means for a human
being. It goes without saying for ordinary people, but even extraordinary
people, such as geniuses. We must spend certain periods of our lives before
reaching the state of consciousness as a complete human being. During these
periods, our egocentric needs are to be well satisfied. Babies have to be fed
and children need to play to their satisfaction. As long
as human beings are not ideal beings all the time, it may be beautiful to
follow the pure selfish ego especially as they grow up.
(After the death of my friend in high school, Age 17)
“State of Mind”
When the breeze combed my hair gently
I saw you standing silent
With a faint smile
Good friends we were for many miles
Walking side by side
Though I am still the same person
Something foreign is settling down
At the bottom of my heart
Evils try to push me down
Attempting to shatter my heart
And to tear it apart
While something foreign lodged in my heart
A cool breeze passed by
To cleanse my heart gently
You are gone
With your heart of an angel
Given away to the breeze
You are gone
Newsletter No. 4 (August, 2003)
During the latter part of my medieval times, I sometimes experienced moments of seeing a dim light at the end of a dark tunnel. Mr. Yamamoto, freshly graduated from a university in Tokyo, was assigned to our high school and touched our lives with his sharply trained viewpoints. He taught us world history. This teacher, who was perhaps only 5 or 6 years older than us students, deftly guided teenage girls and boys who no one could manage well and effectively. I think I looked up to him even as I stood up to him as much as possible. I was a lone sailor on a small boat drifting from right to left on rough seas. Listening to Mr. Yamamoto talk about his college life was like encountering a fresh spring day while still wandering amidst the cold ice on the winter sea.
The day when I could leave home and become independent, free from parental interference, was nearing. I would go through a transformation from the feudalism of my medieval times to an unknown future. It was inevitable, and the prospect was exciting.
The latter part of my medieval times was when I started dreaming about a Renaissance. Of course my expectations were vague and I did not yet have a clear conception of my Renaissance. I did not have room in my mind to demarcate the time lines of my history yet.
The following are selections from my journals of the waning years of my medieval period:
My opinions (17, College entrance exam
approaching)
I need to be strong. I must get into a national university. Without fail. Mr. Yamamoto says he will go to graduate school. He should pursue his own future, but I still have a right to debate with him on academic matters. He says it would be cruel if his books were taken away from him. This simple statement of his implies the same thing as my Pursuit of the Truth. He is, he says, “in a vulgar world.” For the person who pursues truth, life is too short. We cannot afford to waste our time. The night time, which God has given us from his profound consideration, should not be spent wastefully by watching television. It is not good to flee reality but it is likewise not good to remain just in the ‘vulgar’ world.
A person who has grasped the truth can be an absolute being. It is impossible to become a god, but being an absolute being and being a god are both infinite. In short, humans desire the eternal whether or not it is possible. In our uncertain world, we crave absolutes. Absolute love. Absolute truth. A pristine philosophical mind.
To be a human being first, before being male or female--such a man and woman can truly love each other. Am I in a restless period of my life now? I do not think so. Because, I am a messenger of Truth. I should be self-confident. I should not lose my dignity as a messenger of Truth. I will agonize, I will suffer, but I will also overcome every hardship. I am young.
I wonder if Mr. Yamamoto understands the essence of philosophy. He says that he does not understand Chinese philosophy well, which, he claims, “demands leaps and bounds in the thinking process.” All thought processes require certain leaps. Only the thinker can understand the leap in the process. Real thinking occurs via his or her intuition, not just through deliberate thinking processes. A thought progresses systematically through a series of steps, but intuition bypasses such processes and skips straight to the truth. Therefore, it may reject explanations or understanding. Philosophical thoughts belong to individuals. Philosophy is something the individual must learn; it cannot be taught. What can be taught is historical knowledge alone. Isn’t this a mystical aspect of human beings?
On a spring day before leaving for college (at 17)
The young in the world
Striving for tomorrow
Beyond the differences of all skin colors
Wanting to talk to each other
Wanting to join hearts with each other
Leap into the world
Don’t be bothered by trifles
The globe is awakening
Spring has come
Love nature
Go outdoors with broad smiles and irrepressible energy
But remember, too, to read the classics in your study
Go to the world
With the precise observations of a virgin,
And the resilient mind of a giant,
Seeking the answers
To what humans must do
To what humans must believe
Newsletter 5, September 2003
When
the snow melted and the black soil turned to brown, I entered my university
gate.
No
more examination hells.
From
now on is my Renaissance.
Farewell
to the games of memorization in preparation for college entrance exams.
I
can now pursue truth in the true sense of the word.
I
can read, think, write, and paint as much as I want.
The
university was full of greenery in its spring glory. Hara-san, who was my
middle school sweetheart but went to a different high school, had come to the
same university. This was a pleasant surprise for both of us when we first ran
into each other on campus.
I
had to wait until about the time of modern rationalism, the age of reason,
which came soon after the Renaissance (depending how we define Renaissance), to
clearly see the Renaissance period in my own history. Nevertheless, the
beginning of my college years was filled with the spirit of the revival of art,
reading and writing, like a bright spring day that follows the dark, cold weeks
of winter. I visited the nearby beach to paint, to draw, and simply to find
myself again.
My Renaissance (Early days in
college)
Nothing
will control and restrict me anymore. I can be myself, one human being who
cannot be replaced by anyone else. I will determine my direction by myself,
choose my own path. I can decide whether to walk, run, or fly. A bird has been released from a cage; I will
obtain the freedom of the bird flying into the deep blue sky.
I have finally left the home where
I was born and raised, rented an apartment, and started a new life. I will
determine what I do all by myself. My parents will no longer watch every move I
make. I will let go the bonds of the
feudal family.
Thus, my college life was gradually filled with the sprit of laissez faire. My apartment is small, but it has become the castle from which I sally forth to various gatherings and activities. I attend classes in the daytime and in the evening tutor children, wash dishes, and do some modeling or other part-time jobs available to earn a living.
Renaissance and AfterPre-Modern Times
Thoughts in Daily LifeMy friend, Tak, has gone home to Chiba for summer vacation. There is no way to get him back. I go to bed early and am woken up at 11:00 PM by two students, who have come to see my art exhibit. They say that they are from Nihon University. I chat with them on art and philosophy until about 2:30 AM. They finally leave. When people make such midnight visits, they should bring something meaningful, such as skillful expressions, kind hearts, or anything that makes the hostess feel appreciated. There are not too many relationships that can go without a certain politeness. Nothing, absolutely nothing, motivates me to get out of bed in the morning. I keep reading books in bed while the sunbeams pour into my room. My sister, a student at the same university, comes by to have a cup of tea, and, I am sure, to listen to some favorite love songs I keep. I say to her that I would like to have a cup of tea too, and she starts making tea for both of us. She listens to the music and leaves my place without staying too long. I sit at my desk and plan my studies for the week. A farmer’s wife who comes around pushing a cart with various fruits and vegetables to sell is in front of my apartment. I go outside and buy some red apples, which look delicious and are begging to be painted. I try drawing them on a piece of paper but do not feel up to it. I eat one of the shiny, crispy apples. It is indeed as delicious as it looks. In the evening, my friend, Shioya comes over to see my latest work. He claims that my paintings are great. ”Your paintings reveal your true feelings,” he says, as if he has become an instant art critic with deep background and knowledge. I do not really like his comments, although expression of feelings may be the ultimate objective for the art of painting. I know that he does not intend such profundity on the definitions of art in his rush statement to please his friend. Shioya is reading some of my latest writings when two friends from my philosophy study group come over. “Oh, were we supposed to meet today?” I say without thinking about the effect my statement might have on them. “Oh, yeah, that's right,” I manage to prevent an embarrassment. I spy from the corner of my eyes that Shioya is taking notes while reading my writing. “Want me to pass that note to your girlfriend?” I offer with a bit of sarcasm, which gets him to leave quickly with a grin on his face. My study group meets for only thirty minutes or so and my friends leave. I want to get out of my apartment for some fresh air and to shop for dinner. The cool evening breeze refreshes my mind and thoughts. After shopping I come back home and make a hot cup of tea for myself. Drinking hot tea is something I learned from Tak. I listen to music and breathe the fresh evening air that wafts through the window as I read some essays by Margaret Mead, enjoying my cup of tea. (To Be Continued)